Her thoughts that you may not get

Yesterday she was desperately asking god to hit her by a bus.

Today she’s gratefully thanking him for the blessings.

Yesterday tears would not stop, with an unknown pain.

Today, there’s nothing significantly making her happy, but she’s just grateful.

Lost. She’s having a war with her own mind. She doesn’t know herself anymore.
What’s more divergent? The situations that change rapidly daily? Or her emotions and attitudes towards those situations that change unstably?

Today on her way back home, she felt that she needed to be thankful for what she had. But the main reason for her thanksgiving today was because she did not feel depressed once throughout the day. So she went, “Thank you, I’ll treasure life more.”

But suddenly, this wave of distress came.
Why? People usually thank god for the happiness they obtain but why, today, was she feeling grateful for not going through a sequence of depression today?

Thoughts. She talks to them; They talk to her. She’s losing herself in them.

How is it that she’s being two entirely different persons? There are notes on her phone that she can't bear to read. Her normal-self wouldn't write them. Where is the balance? Where is the control? 

They all say she’s very strong-willed. She’s the kind of person who has strong faith. In herself? In god? In things? She doesn’t know either. Though she knows if she puts her faith in something, it will come true. If she wants to vanish, she believes she will.

But then there's this normal side of her. A total opposite side of this person we were talking about above. Brighter, Smarter, Tougher. Full of smiles and laughter. This one knows all the extreme anxieties and agony are becoming too much. This one’s starting to look for help but she doesn’t know where to start. How? How to say these things to another human being? Would she end up making a fool out of herself? Would they think she’s being excessively dramatic? Where’s a solid reason for her to be this emotional, this bipolar? How do people do it? She doesn’t want to talk about it. There’s nothing to talk about.

But one thing. 

She's not happy. 

And this smarter and tougher-self; she’s losing all her strength and will to the other one. She knows there’s something wrong, something needing to be done, but what to do? It’s hard, especially because they both have something in common; they’re both lost. Very lost.