Good job, me.

It's been over a year since I've last blogged and especially when you're going through a phase in life where your problems are no longer just your boy crush not reciprocating your feelings or having small arguments with your parents,,, as you deal with bigger problems and try your best to overcome them alone, a year can go by really fast, I'm telling you.

I've lost friends who mattered along growing up, I've done things I knew I shouldn't have been doing, I've made bad choices, I've let insecurities beat me up, I've learned so much more.

On the positive side I've met so many new people, I've been to new places, I've found so many more crushes, I've scratched off a few on my bucket list, I've come to learn how to deal with my insecurities (still on the way on this), I've grown. I'm still growing.

And it is not easy. Losing and gaining, Losing and gaining. One day you like black, the next day you like white. One day you're wishing for rain, the next you're desperate for some sun. One day you want to go out for the entire day with a bunch of people (being LIT), the next minute you're just dying to go crawl up on your bed wanting to binge-watch all those TV shows, listen to some emo music and have your alone time. See, if you were a kid, all this, it would look easy. If you want this, you get this instantly. Or at least someone who cares like your parents, or siblings, or friends, would go all the way out to make you happy, make things possible. (Again, maybe not for everyone but I'm talking about my personal life here so I hope no one takes this post offensive in anyway). 

As you grow up, you realize you have to work hard for what you want. 

Especially if you're studying abroad alone, you have to work for yourself there will be no one, which is a very good thing; you become independent. But it is hard.

And through out writing your own chapters of your book of life, something I've learned these days especially is that it is okay not to be okay. 

Most of my friends from Belfast here would always say to me, "I wanna live your life the way you do. You're always so cheerful and laughing." My friends would always tell me I'm really strong. And how they think I can handle my own problems very well. Not that it's not true, because I really do try my best to, it's just I go through stuff and most of the time I wouldn't even talk about it. I don't like to open up. I used to but for some reason I don't anymore. If I have stuff going on, I guess I try not to really make them a big deal? I would just forget about shit in class and enjoy the company. When at work, I just focus on what I have to do and nothing bothers me really anymore. Even if something was to be wrong and you'd still find me laughing casually with people and that is not me faking things or pretending to be fine. It was just an automatic thing for me to brush things off till they no longer bother me. I told myself constantly that life's not gonna be all sunny the whole time, things will eventually be over, so might as well enjoy the moments. And I was really proud of myself for having that mindset with me; not letting things get to me. I thought it was a good thing. It is in a way too. 

But it became too bad of a habit. When you've done it for so many times, you don't know it was also adding salt to the existing wounded "not fine" side of mind without you knowing it. I don't know how to put this in words. I don't even know if you get this. You're genuinely laughing with people but at some point somehow you start to feel fragile and heavy? But then you also don't know what that feeling is, even when there's nothing wrong at all, you still feel that and you're confused and you start questioning yourself if you're becoming overly dramatic. 

I thought I was fine.

I was at a house party one day. Drinks and food and jokes and people. Fun. Ended as usual when a couple of people were too gone hahaa until they had to go home. I was no where close to sober too. Barely remembered how long I had to walk home, drunk texted my dearest dearest friends who were in different parts of the world. That was the first night I'd gotten drunk in a good long time. Now, that mindset I had I was talking about up there, was gone along with my self-consciousness. 

Why? Because before I even knew it, I was literally crying my heart out for no reason on my bed, for hours. Not the crying you do when you watch movies or Korean dramas, which btw I always do. But the crying to an extent where my whole body literally ached. When I realized what I was doing, I checked my phone to see who I was talking to. No one. I had to check my period cycle on my phone app, "Ahh, I must be PMS-ing". Nope it was no where close. 

You only cry when there's something wrong. Now what's wrong? No answers. just crying and crying and crying till I tired myself out and fell asleep.

The next day I woke up and to my very own surprise, I felt so much lighter and emptier. The good emptiness? Didn't tell any of my friends about it because they would react saying it's normal. I mean, it is basically what drunk people do right, taking small things to a complete higher level. If a friend told me "Yea I had a little too much last night and started crying out of the blue",even I'd be like "awh, it's okay. You were drunk after all." 

Except , you can't ignore what you feel. 

Went on with my life feeling better and then I slowly started to realize.. I realized how I was carrying this gigantic stone of emotions and stress and tiredness and how hard I was unconsciously trying to ignore its existence in me. The more I tried to continue to live normally when things weren't going well, the more it drained me out. Problems came and went but that positive attitude I taught myself to have was effecting me, big time. 

I'm only 20 years old. I'm living half the world away from my parents. I'm studying a double major-degree. I also work 3/4 days a week for long hours most of the time. I'm studying and earning money for my food, house rent sometimes, my house bills, and social life. I'm definitely not complaining because I'm proud of the way I live my life over here. But on top of it all, I can have problems with friends. I worry for my parents well-being everyday. I miss them every minute. I go through broke student life at times. I have insecurities. 

It's not easy. I forgot to tell myself that I don't need to push myself too hard. I don't have all the best grades in school, I am the laziest student of all but I was constantly stressing myself out with what I needed to get done in months time. I forgot to tell myself that it's okay not to be okay. 

What I needed was to allow myself to break sometimes too.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is, appreciate yourself a little more each day. If you're satisfied with the way you live, that's great. Compliment yourself even more. Love yourself like you love your parents, like you would love your past/present/future partner. Take the best care of yourself and pay attention to your feelings. Don't beat yourself up over things you're not good at and instead, please take pride in how you try hard for things you're doing properly daily.

Every night before you head to sleep, it doesn't hurt to tell yourself, "WHOOOOOF. That's me done for the day. Good job, me." 

And also Maybe give a smile too, to yourself. ☺